College Tip #4

*Buy earplugs.

You never know how loud your apartment will be until you get there. My room is located at the beginning of the hall with wood flooring (so every noise can be heard….oh how I miss you, absorbant carpet!). I made sure to assert myself to my roommates early on however and ask that they be a little more respectful when “A” and I are trying to sleep and it is 11:45 and I have a 7:45 class the next day. That has helped some, but sometimes the inevitable happens; someone puts dish soap in the dish-washer instead of cascade and it explodes with bubbles causing the whole apartment to riotously laugh. Such is life:) Additionally, my window looks out on a lovely ally that echos every sweet nothing romantic couples like to whisper to each other on any given night. So far I haven’t heard any juicy conversations, but will keep you updated!ūüėČ

I looked for earplugs at Walmart, but they only had the hunting ones (no surprise being Idaho). The girl who showed me where ¬†the earplugs were at Walmart told me she had been hunting every day last week and had no problems with them. However, I wanted to look for ear-plugs a little less-heavy-duty. so I bought these little babies at albertsons and have been sleeping soundly every night. They are my new best friends! The ones I bought are called “hearos” haha because they are my “heros”! Anyways, I love them.

80’s music

My little sister Sarah has been watching the series¬†Merlin,¬†and came across a video of the two leads, James Bradley and Collin Morgan, singing the song “You’re the Voice” by John Farnham and quickly became hooked. Now each night she performs the ritual of singing this 80’s song at the top of her lungs.

I caught myself singing it the other day while I was driving to the DMV and then quickly stopped and tried to sing something else. THIS SONG IS SO CATCHY!

Click play if you dare:

What kind of person are you?

 

*As you choose to be assertive, you will find “you will likely experience an increase in feelings of self-esteem and a decrease in feelings of stress.”*

In college, sometimes roommates get on our nerves. What do we choose to do about it? You might start by asking yourself these questions: “What kind of person am I?,Do I let people walk all over me because I want to be nice and not offend, or do I offend where is¬†unnecessary to do so?, Do I stand up for myself enough or too much?,Do I remain unnoticed to avoid conflict, or do I intentionally hurt others and manipulate to get my results?”

If you have said yes to any of these questions I would encourage you to take the quiz and find out if tend to be passive, assertive, or aggressive in your relationships.

(*Disclaimer: I did not make this quiz up! All information should be given credit to this site : http://www.oaktreecounseling.com/assrtquz.htm )

 

 

 

ASSERTIVENESS QUIZ:

 

“First, write down numbers from 1 to 10 on a piece of paper.¬† Second, depending on your choice in each question, write a, b, or c after each number.¬† Third, after answering all of the questions, refer to the SCORE INTERPRETATION KEY at the bottom of this page.

 

1. You are in a restaurant and order a steak medium-rare, but it is served to you well done.  You would:

a) Accept it since you sort of like it well done anyway.

 

b) Angrily refuse the steak and insist on seeing the manager to complain about the poor service.

 

c) Call the waiter and indicate you ordered your steak medium-rare, then turn it back.

 

2. You are a customer waiting in line to be served.  Suddenly, someone steps in line ahead of you.  You would:

a) Let the person be ahead of you since he/she is already in line.

 

b) Pull the person out of line and make him/her go to the back.

 

c) Indicate to the person that you are in line and point out where it begins.

 

3. After walking out of a store where you purchased some items you discover you were short-changed.  You would:

a) Let it go since you are already out of the store and have no proof you were short-changed.

 

b) Go to the manager and indicate how you were cheated by the clerk, then demand the proper change.

 

c) Return to the clerk and inform him/her of the error.

 

4. You are in the middle of watching a very interesting television program when your spouse comes in and asks you for a favor.  You would:

a) Do the favor as quickly as possible, then return to the program to finish watching it.

 

b) Say “no,” then finish watching your program.

 

c) Ask if it can wait until the program is over and, if so, do it then.

 

5. A friend drops in to say hello, but stays too long, preventing you from finishing an important work project.  You would:

a) Let the person stay, then finish your work another time.

 

b) Tell the person to stop bothering you and to get out.

 

c) Explain your need to finish your work and request he/she visit another time.

 

6. You ask a gas station attendant for five dollars worth of gas.  However, he fills up your tank by mistake and asks for twelve dollars.  You would:

a) Pay the twelve dollars since the gas is already in your tank and you will eventually need it anyway.

 

b) Demand to see the manager and protest being ripped off.

 

c) Indicate you only requested five dollars worth of gas and give him only five dollars.

 

7. You suspect someone of harboring a grudge against you, but you don’t know why.¬† You would:

a) Pretend you are unaware of his/her anger and ignore it, hoping it will correct itself.

 

b) Get even with the person somehow so he/she will learn not to hold grudges against you.

 

c) Ask the person if they are angry, then try to be understanding.

 

8. You bring your car to a garage for repairs and receive a written estimate.  But later, when you pick up your car, you are billed for additional work and for an amount higher than the estimate.  You would:

a) Pay the bill since the car must have needed the extra repairs anyway.

 

b) Refuse to pay, and then complain to the Motor Vehicle Department or the Better Business Bureau.

 

c) Indicate to the manager that you agreed only to the estimated amount, then pay only that amount.

 

9. You invite a good friend to your house for a dinner party, but your friend never arrives and neither calls to cancel nor to apologize.  You would:

a) Ignore it, but manage not to show up the next time your friend invites you to a party.

 

b) Never speak to this person again and end the friendship.

 

c) Call your friend to find out what happened.

 

10. You are in a group discussion at work that includes your boss.¬† A co-worker asks you a question about your work, but you don’t know the answer.¬† You would:

a) Give your co-worker a false, but plausible answer so your boss will think you are on top of things.

 

b) Do not answer, but attack your co-worker by asking a question you know he/she could not answer.

 

c) Indicate to your co-worker you are unsure just now, but offer to give him/her the information later.

 

                                                  SCORE INTERPRETATION KEY

 

In general, there are three broad styles of interpersonal behavior. These are: a) Passive, b) Aggressive, and c) Assertive.

 

a) The Passive style of interpersonal behavior is characterized by inaction.  People utilizing this style tend to be easy to get along with and pleasant, but unwilling to stand up for their rights, for fear of offending others.  They are very uncomfortable expressing anger and usually deny or suppress this feeling should it occur. As a result, resentment can easily build under the surface producing stress and tension.

The “a” choices in the quiz are representative of the Passive style.¬† Thus, the more “a” choices you made, the more passive you are.¬† Six or more “a” choices suggest you are probably passive in your interpersonal behavior.

 

b) The Aggressive style is characterized by intrusiveness.  People who utilize this style tend to go after what they want, but are unconcerned about how this will affect others.  Their angry, dominating manner tends to alienate people who, in time, may seek to oppose them.  Aggressive individuals are usually suspicious of others and are often on the look out for infractions or violations of their rights.  Thus, the Aggressive style produces stress and prohibits the development of close, trusting, and caring interpersonal relationships.

 

The “b” choices in the quiz are representative of the Aggressive style. Thus, the more “b” choices you made, the more aggressive you are. Six or more “b” choices indicate you are most likely aggressive in your interpersonal behavior.

 

c) The Assertive style is characterized by both fairness and strength.  Assertive individuals are able to stand up for their rights, but remain sensitive to the rights of others.  People who choose this style are usually relaxed and easy going, but are honest about their feelings.  This is the best style for minimizing stress and maintaining long-standing intimate relationships.

 

The “c” choices in the quiz are representative of the Assertive style.¬† Thus, the more “c” choices you made, the more assertive you are.¬† Six or more “c” choices suggest you are probably assertive.

 

Trend-Setting

I got a funny phone call from my sister the other day that went something like this:

 

Me: Hello?

Melinda: Hey! So I am in the bookstore and I wanna buy your dress!

Me: What?

Melinda: Well, Mom and Dad already bought me a graduation present in the bookstore (running shorts) but I really want the dress that Sarah say’s you already have. Do you mind?

Me: No, just don’t wear it the same time as me.

Melinda: okay thanks, bye!

Me: ….so how have things be–oh, okay bye.

 

I love Melinda haha:)

 

I love this dress. I would encourage anyone else who is reading to buy it to if you so desire. Already i’ve had 5 people ask me where I got it and individually ask if they could get it too. Sure!

Get it at www.mikarose.com 

 

 

 

 

Codependency;it’s real.

 

“CODEPENDENTS MAY NOT BE WILLING OR ABLE TO SHARE THE TRUST AND HONESTY NEEDED FOR A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP. WHEN CODEPENDENTS DEVELOP RELATIONSHIPS THEY’RE OFTEN THE UNHEALTHY ONES.”

The definition of¬†Codependency¬†is “a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroine); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.”

Codependency is real. It is extremely damaging too.

I like this definition of Codependency because it shows that there is often an enabler and a¬†dependent¬†who manipulates the enabler to get them too make them feel better about their own¬†insecurities. The addiction part of Codependency as above mentioned doesn’t have to be to a drug, but can be an addiction of a type of behavior (For example, an addiction to self-put downs and putting others down to receive compliments or reassurances). ¬†Addictive behaviors are often manifested when the addict needs constant approval, is never/rarely pleased with who they are or their appearance or selves, looks for compliments at every-turn, and isn’t comfortable with change.

 

The enabler can be occupied with taking care of the needs of the¬†addict instead of their own. This relationship is damaging because the addict controls the enabler and the enabler feeds the addict’s own addiction by¬†reassuring¬†them that what they are doing is okay or “normal”and somehow, all the while, belittling reality to keep the addict happy. Enablers often don’t want to hurt the addict because they care about them or love them. They often will build them up with compliments and constantly re-enforce their bad behavior. If you feel you are in a codependant relationship, my advice to you would be¬†to get out now.

 

The addict in the relationship can be very good at being manipulative. Here is a short clip that illustrates   some tactics of manipulation.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVb1xKGibBA&feature=related

 

 

*One very good one to keep in mind is what they say about when confronting a manipulative person about their behavior or about issues between the two of you. Manipulators will make it seem like you are the problem and that they have all these problems and that you are the bad person because you haven’t been thinking about their problems, but rather your own. This makes it extremely difficult to talk about anything and so sometimes it is just better to get out of the abusive situation.

 

 

Getting out of Codependent relationships is difficult, so you may want to seek counseling for a time to know how to¬†resolve¬†or end the relationship. I know there are many out there who’ve have¬†stipulations¬†about going to counseling because they think it is for those who are depressed, crazy, or have bipolar disorder. They are wrong. All types of people go to counseling.You are doing yourself a disservice to go through life assuming you have all the answers and you are constantly in control. We all get lost, we all go through tough things and even sometimes, just one visit to the counseling center can make an entire year better. It’s worth it.¬†

“A single conversation with a wise man is better than ten years of study.”–Chinese proverb

“Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end” Proverbs 19:20

 

College Tip #3

*Know how to appropriately set boundaries.

 

 

 

In your time at college, you will encounter many types of people. They will have their own set of beliefs, customs, norms and habits. Knowing how to appropriately set boundaries will help you communicate with your roommates and others what your rights are and how you would like to see them being respected.

Let’s use food as an example. This is huge one. I had a roommate in college who asked to borrow my food, but only after she had used it. She had a boyfriend who liked to eat and would often run out of ingredients to make for the cakes, cobblers, and cookies she would make him. She knew I had a lot of the ingredients and so she took them and then told me about it after-the-fact. One time she used my spagetti sauce and told me that she was going to buy me some new sauce and then bought herself some instead. I asked her about it and she denied ever owing me sauce stating “why would I buy you sauce?”. (Belittling is often a tactic for people who disown responsibility. Don’t mind it ,and restate your point)

 

I know this example seems elementary, but the principle is there. Here is where a basic right to own my food was being violated and I ignored it. I should have reminded her of her promise and appropriately said something like “I know it is important to you to be able to use my ingredients to make things for ____ but I buy my own groceries and it makes me upset to know you would use my things without asking.”

Make it about how you feel, not about how awful they are. You should never use YOU statements. You have a much stronger presentation if you say things like “I feel this way when this happens”.

 

Yay for assertiveness!

College Tip #2

Be aware that girls, even if they have good intentions, often resort to gossip and prodding.

 

Gossip hurts. I have had an entire apartment take part in gossip behind my back and I’m still seeing the effects that their gossip has had in my life 8 months later. I’ve lost numerous friends, and the trust of many. Girls like to prod. They love to know what is going on in your life–why you experience what you do and what your weaknesses are. It can be confusing at times when your friends approach you in a loving way as if trying to help, but then are unsupportive in their actions.

I had a roommate who saw I was upset one day and came into my room and asked me about it. She was a nice enough girl and so I told her a little about what I was feeling. When I gave clear signals I’d rather be alone however, she persisted and pushed to know more until I was left sobbing at the end of the conversation and feeling violated. She insisted on knowing everything and then offered not support and disowned me as a friend. It stung.

I resolved never again to let myself become abused in that way. I don’t have to tell people everything and shouldn’t have to explain when something is not their¬†business. I realize now how unhealthy and agressive my roommate was and that I had rights and she was overstepping those. It was my right to share my feelings or not. No one had to make me share them.

If your friends start poking around in your other relationships and problems and persist to do so, even after you have set appropriate boundaries with them, you may want to consider distancing yourself from them. Its funny how when you are having issues in your other unhealthy/healthy relationships, how some of your roommates and “friends” will inappropriately¬†give advise and get involved. My advise is do not let them. It’s best just to keep things between you and the other person you are having problems with. However, make sure you are kind and honest when you tell them that you will not involve them and be clear about what that means and why.

College Tip #1

Here comes my slew of college tips and tidbits. Hope they are helpful to someone!

 

*Don’t room with someone you know when first attending college.

You have¬†plenty¬†of time to hang out with your friends from home later and you owe it to yourself to start fresh with a whole new group of girls (or guys) who have never met you before. I roomed with someone I knew my first two semesters and I can honestly say that I wish I hadn’t. I told all my friends I didn’t want to room with them before starting college, but was requested by one of my friends in advance and told later and so I had no choice. Trust me when I say listen to this advise and not to room with anyone you know. You will be much better off and save yourself a lot of heartache along the way. You may feel like you are good friends now and don’t want to¬†jeopardize¬†that, so don’t take any chances. ¬†Sometimes it is better to keep some friends ¬†at an arms length rather than at your fingertips anyway.

Hello world!

Hello I’m new to wordpress! I transfered blogs and i’m excited about this new format! Some things you should know about me: I’m Mormon, I love soft ginger snapps, and the ocean.

 

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